HANH TAT

Such was the power and impactfulness of self-love in my own healing and transformation journey following betrayal trauma caused by the discovery of my now ex-husband’s affair that I dedicated a chapter to it in my book, Life as a Jigsaw Puzzle. Here I share some salient points.

To begin, it’s important to share my definition of love, which I use as an umbrella term for all of the loving ways of being, such as kindness, compassion, patience and forgiveness, and thus for me self-love is directing all loving ways of being towards oneself. It’s about becoming our own best friend, a constant loving companion always there for ourselves as we walk through life.

If we want to enjoy our experience of life, we need to look at our relationship with life. It goes without saying that the better the relationship, the better the experience. And our relationship with life in turn is underpinned by our relationship with ourselves, with our inner landscape of our thoughts and emotions. When we understand this, it allows us to start relating to ourselves differently, in a more helpful way.

When we understand that our negative thoughts are simply a product of our conditioning arising from the subconscious mind and that we have the ability to upgrade them through neuroplasticity should be choose to, we realise that we have the ability to upturn unloving thoughts and actions towards ourselves and replace them with their opposite.

When I learnt this, I started noticing all the ways that I hadn’t been loving myself throughout my life, my negative self-talk, they way I’d get really annoyed with myself when I made a mistake, the way I’d push myself to the point of self-imposed anxiety to reach my goals. And I made a commitment to myself to shift this, to change the relationship with myself more lovingly, to become my own best friend, so that I could be there for myself in my own time of need.

I spent the next few years practicing this commitment to myself and it opened my heart and mind to love.

To love oneself is to get to know ourselves intimately, continually deeply curious about our thoughts and our held beliefs from which they originated, and acutely aware of our emotions and open to hearing the messages that they whisper to us.

And as we get to know ourselves, we learn what it is we need. We learn how to soothe ourselves when we are feeling pain, how to comfort ourselves when we are feeling sadness, how to motivate ourselves in a caring way, and how to lift ourselves up when it feels like life has knocked us to the ground. And we take ourselves lovingly by the hand and walk through life knowing that we will never intentionally forsake, abandon or reject ourselves. That’s not to say we won’t do so unintentionally, but we accept and honour the human part of us when we slip back into habitual patterns.

Whilst simple to state, the practice of self-love takes effort, often involving a process of changing decades of conditioned habitual behaviour. But that effort is so worth it for the prize of reaching a state of acceptance of who we are, with all our flaws and imperfections. For we eventually come to the liberating appreciation that, ‘Wow, I love being me! I really love the person that I am!’, not in an arrogant way or because we have external validation, but simply because we have inner peace with who we are.

And it allows us to see what a joyful privilege it is to be us. Over 8 billion people on the planet and only one of each and every one of us, unique in our own wonderful way. And we get the honour of being us in a way that only we know how. What a true gift and a great privilege bestowed upon us.

And as we cultivate this deeply loving relationship with ourselves, we eventually come to the realisation that true love, joy and bliss are not to be found out there in external things and other people, but deep within the very core of our being, the part of us that knows that love is our true essence, that we are love in a body. And it ignites that dormant part of us that many of us forgot about a long time ago.

We also come to know that love, starting with self-love is the highest truth, that we already are all that we desire, we already have all that we seek. And it’s from this place of wholeness and heart-based consciousness that our lives become an inside-out experience rather than an outside-in one, where we find love and beauty all around us and within us, and the innocent radiance of a daisy can become as captivating as any of the seven wonders of the world.

When we understand that the extent to which we can sit with our difficult and painful emotions correlates with the capacity for our hearts to hold elevated emotions of love and joy, we know that to suppress our difficult emotions is to put a cap on our hearts to ability to love. And so as we come into our wholeness, our hearts courageously open up to our capacity to authentically love more deeply, profoundly and intimately, without fear of hurt or rejection.

To love ourselves is to love life and all that it has to offer. And as we fill ourselves up with love, it creates an overflow that allows us to take our best selves to all areas of our lives, to be more patient parents, more loving partners, more present friends and more compassionate citizens. And it reminds us of and reinforces our connection with our brothers and sisters in our human family. And thus self-love becomes universal love, with the power of creating a more harmonious, beautiful and wonderful world that grows with the number of people who realise this power.

As we lift ourselves up and learn, grow and evolve through self-love, we contribute to the evolution of humanity. And thus self-love is not selfish but an act of service. Love yourself, love your life, live your truth. This is what allows us to be of service for the highest good.

Remember these thoughts whenever you feel less than what you truly are, a divine sovereign being who is perfect just as you are, without need for external adornments, accolades or accomplishments. This is a message for myself as much as anyone else. Remember that you are loved, that you are love. Blessings to you my dear friend.