HANH TAT

The following was to be the ‘Introduction’ chapter of my next book which I was going to title, ‘From Trauma to Truth (A Little Book About Modern Spirituality)’, but I’ve decided instead to share my story as it unfolds:

At a simplistic level, the left hemisphere of the brain is considered the logical side whilst the right is the more creative / intuitive counterpart. And thus it’s fair to say that for the first 45 years of my life, I was predominantly left-brained. Maths was my favourite subject at school, my degree was maths-based and then my 26-year career was in IT.

As such, it naturally followed that anything which couldn’t rationally be explained by science or experienced by the five senses was in my eyes woo-woo and a load of codswallop (informal word for ‘nonsense’), as we are fond of saying in the UK.

I loved logic and it allowed me to excel and perform during my education and my career. At work, I enjoyed using my technical capabilities in conjunction with my capacity for explaining complex logical ideas in digestible ways to act as a bridge between the techies and non-techies. And this was the foundation upon which I built my professional reputation for which I was recognised.

So when the experiencing of deep betrayal trauma as a result of discovering my now ex-husband’s affair (which I include in my first book, ‘Life as a Jigsaw Puzzle’) ignited the start of my spiritual awakening in 2020, it was something that I kept closely guarded.

Fearful of people’s judgment that I had somehow gone mad from the trauma and worried about the impact that would have on my hard-earned and much-prized reputation, I hid it away, all the while emphatically loving all my new-found spiritual learnings, like a small child sneakily gorging on delectable treats in the secrecy of her favourite hiding spot.

The revelation of this new world, this previously unknown way of seeing reality awakened a dormant part of me that I’d forgotten about a long time ago, a deep knowing in the very core of my being that my logical brain was powerless to deny. This was particularly surprising to my sensibilities given my previous conviction that such things were just made up and had no place in the real world.

It was as if that deep knowing evaporated an unconscious veil that had been covering my perception, inviting my mind to burst open to all possibilities beyond my human comprehension and my innate curiosity that I’d always possessed became magnified ten-fold, catapulting me to begin consuming spiritual knowledge with ravenous hunger and appetite. And whilst my logical brain continued to entertain cynicism and scepticism as I widened my knowledge and understanding, it was happy to come along for the ride as I pursued what resonated within my heart.

What surprised me the most as I embarked on my journey was how seamlessly spirituality knitted together with modern science. Even as I was learning about psychology and neuroscience to restore my dysregulated nervous system and protect my mental and emotional health following the trauma (as I wrote about in my first book), I discovered how connecting to my inner-self allowed me to find the peace, love and forgiveness needed to choose the higher path for myself and my children that I wrote about.

It was a beautiful dance between my soul and my human self, integrating the parts of me into the whole that we inherently are. As I healed my physical self mentally and emotionally, this nurtured and nourished my soul and simultaneously, my soul provided the courage, the conviction and the fuel to forge the fire of my own recovery and self-discovery. Yet I knew that this was merely the start of a wonderful lifelong adventure, to be lived side by side, hand-in-hand with that unseen but truest part of me.

Still, I kept it hidden, only revealing this new facet of myself to select people who I trusted not to judge, or not to hold it against me at the very least. This was significantly easier to do with friends and people who knew me well because I was able to provide context to reassure them that I hadn’t lost the plot. But at work (barring a few close work friends), I kept up the pretence, kept up the professionalism and continued to maintain my reputation.

In the first couple of years, I found it relatively easy to navigate life with my feet straddling both worlds, maintaining my ‘old’ life externally and embracing my ‘new’ one privately. This was probably because outwardly, I didn’t need to change much in the way I was already living my life and showing up in the world and mainly because the changes taking place were internal. But as my internal connection deepened, it became increasingly more of an effort to suppress the fledging part of me that was starting to take flight.

By the beginning of 2024, I’d already started writing my first book and what I wanted for myself and my life was shifting. I began to feel like I wanted to do more with my life but I wasn’t sure what, to go on adventures but I wasn’t sure to where. I was reaching a turning point where I wanted to start a new chapter of my life.

At the age of 48, I’d already successfully tracked the generally accepted societal path of getting an education followed by a career, family and children. And I have nothing but the deepest gratitude for the stability that pouring my time and energy into following this track has provided me with. And it was from this foundation of stability that, after much deep and careful contemplation and deliberation, I was able to make the bold yet absolutely terrifying decision to leave my job. I’m not recommending this as a path for anyone to follow or even suggesting that it is necessary, it was simply the path that I chose for myself in the context of my own life, an adventurous leap of faith.

The year that ensued was full of twists and turns, highs and lows, but I’ve now reached the point where I feel within my heart that it’s time to come out of the spiritual closet, nail my colours bravely to the proverbial mast and proudly and unashamedly declare my truth, thus allowing me freedom for authentic expression in my writing henceforth.

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For context, the above post was prefaced by the following commentary on my social media:

The corporate and spiritual worlds don’t usually come together, which I believe is a wasted opportunity and a disservice to the former, so today I shared the following post on my LinkedIn profile:

I’ve decided to come out of the closet.

No, I’m not gay. My chosen closet is of the spiritual kind.

Over four years ago, the experience of betrayal trauma led me on a path of seeking answers to the deep, existential questions about life and the purpose of our being. In essence, it was the beginning of my spiritual journey.

By this point, I was an IT professional who had spent over 20 years cultivating a work reputation based on logic and rational thinking and so I hid this from most of my colleagues to avoid impacting this hard-earned reputation.

Even my first book (‘Life as a Jigsaw Puzzle’ – published Sept 2023), which was my way of sharing the message of oneness and universal love which lies at the heart of spirituality, was intentionally written from a non-spiritual perspective to prevent inadvertently biasing potential readers’ opinions negatively and to allow accessibility to a wider audience.

But an inner calling now guides me to come out of the spiritual closet and share my experience in the hope that doing so will permit others to do the same, to collapse the stigma attached to things of a spiritual nature so that the numerous benefits that spirituality brings can be shared more readily in the world, including the corporate world.

Spirituality is not a religion but a simple knowing that we are part of something greater than ourselves as individuals, something with the power to unify and foster greater collaboration and cooperation towards a higher cause, one based on unity and collective evolution. It is not all woo-woo and has very practical, real-life applications that can support us to live with more ease and grace, especially when faced with challenging times.